OR: Just in Case You Weren't There
It has been my contention for sometime now that the news media (both old and new) has lost touch with reality in terms of how it portrays the news as "90% spin and 10% questionable reporting" giving Americans and the world a distorted picture that is neither "fair or balanced." The upcoming debate on foreign policy (September 30th) may well be a spotlight event for the distortion that so plagues what we have to base the most important decision many people make every 4 years.
So, without further delay, the debate:
Mr. Lehrer: Mr. Bush, the first question goes to you. The National Hockey League, which is predominately a Canadian sport, has been at an impasse between players and owners since September 15. If you are reelected, how will you deal with this international crisis?
Mr. Bush: Jim, my government is against terrorism and we have made it clear we will not tolerate terrorism so close to our border. This situation, much like Iraq, is another area where my opponent is for the owners, then the players, then he says he voted for the strike but then didn't vote to authorize enough money for pucks or whatever ball they play with. My administration is working with Prime Minister Harper, or excuse me Chretien, oh, no, I got it, Jack Leyton, who is it again? Oh yes, we are working with Mr. Martin to put up a missle defense system that will not only keep Canada safe, but I am sure end this impasse.
Mr. Lehrer: Mr. Kerry, a rebuttal?
Mr. Kerry: Jim, when you have faced death like I did in Viet Nam, you know 2 things about hockey. The first is that this is my opponent is not the man to solve problems like Iraq and a hockey strike. This is the kind of situation that requires truth. The truth is that we need an international solution to this situation. When I am elected President I will call on the leaders of all countries that have players in the NHL to work together for a meaningful, sensitive solution. We need leadership and we will use the recommendations of the 9/11 commission to ensure that Iraq AND hockey become safe and prosperous.
Mr. Lehrer: Our next question is for Mr. Kerry. Mr. Kerry, your wife, Theresa Heinz Kerry is the heiress to the Heinz Ketchup fortune. Now we all know that ketchup is used on hot dogs and hot dogs, or weiners as they were once called originally came from Germany. So, how do you answer your critics that your foreign policy is actually controlled by the German government?
Mr. Kerry: Well, Jim, I'm glad you asked that. While Mr. Bush continues to deny that the "Swift Hot Dog Vendors for Truth" campaign ads are funded by the Republican Party even though they use the same actors as their own ads I have maintained that I have no connection with the Germans or the French. Now, that is not to say that I would not be interested in speaking with all foreign governments.
Mr. Bush: flip-flop, flip flop!!
Mr. Lehrer: Mr. Bush, you will have your turn to respond. Please continue Mr. Kerry.
Mr. Kerry: The truth is that this administration continues to mislead the public on this and Iraq. These messages say "I never ate hot dogs as a child, was never in Viet Nam, and if I was, I wasn't to be trusted." But the American people know that I can be trusted because I stand for what they stand for and live as they would, if, of course, they had a wife with 475 million dollars to her name.
Mr. Lehrer: Your response, Mr. Bush.
Mr. Bush: Yes, thank you. You know in Texas, I was the CEO of the Texas Rangers. Those rangers served honorably under me as commander in chief and many of them were in Iraq when we took Saddam down. All of those rangers ate hot dogs, but none of them was an operative of the Germans and the French. My government didn't ask for permission from the Germs to go into Iraq or Afghanistan and we never will! I don't know who sponspored this 527 group Mr. Kerry speaks of, it was probably him in another underhanded attempt to besmeerch my service in the National Guard along with his confederates, the CBS television network. What I know is that you are safer today because we believe in protecting you. Mr. Kerry wants to outlaw anything but Heinz ketchup and we all know it.
Mr. Lehrer: Thank you. Our next question goes to Mr. Bush and it is this: Your administration following the ending of fighting in Iraq in 2003...
Mr. Kerry: It ended WHEN?
Mr. Lehrer: Please Mr. Kerry, you'll get your turn. Now then: Your administration, Mr. Bush, following the ending of fighting in Iraq in 2003 said that you would consider an open bidding process to the rebuilding of Iraq. However, French wine makers complain they have never been able to bid, even though they said they would donate their wine to our soldiers. The question is, do you regret that American soldiers are not properly supplied with French wine?
Mr. Bush: The Frenchies, like all people, are our friends. We stand with them in their fight against terrorism. Jim, did you know there were 2 french people in the South Tower on that fateful day, September 11, 2002? I mean, we were there with them, shoulder to shoulder as the terrorists strike.
Mr. Kerry: That was 2001 George.
Mr. Bush: You see, Jim, this is the problem. I know there were 2 frenchies, Mr. Kerry thinks there were 2001. But, to your point on French wine. I asked our Vice-President Mr. Cheney about this very problem and he informed me that Haliburton had a secret process that used oil berries that grow in Iraq to make wine for our troops and we gave them over a million dollars to develop and refine that process, that's something you do with oil they tell me. What people don't understand is that France is in Europe and that means they would have to ship wine to Iraq which takes forever and you never know when a wine boat will be attacked. But we know our wine is safe because it's made right there in Iraq!
Mr. Lehrer: Mr. Kerry, your reply?
Mr. Kerry: Mr. Bush would have you believe we are making wine from oil in Iraq. That's wrong, Mr. Bush and you know it. The American people need to know the truth about all these things, wine, France, and Iraq. This administration would have you believe that up is down and down is up when we all know, in our hearts, that that's not true! We need a President who is not afraid to tell the truth and my administration will step up and proudly all open bids. If an international company wants to bid, let them. Well, perhaps not on ketchup, of course...
Mr. Bush: flip-flop, flip flop!!
Mr. Bush: No, that's not a flip flop. I have consistently campaigned on the idea that Heinz would make a great ketchup for our servicemen everywhere. Now where was I, oh yes, the world needs to know that we are fair and honest about our policies and this administration is not. I will be.
Mr. Lehrer: Ok, Mr. Kerry. Some people accused your predecessor Mr. Clinton as being influenced unduly by China during his administration. We all know that as a person of wealth you have several collections of china in your house. How do you respond to your critics that you use substandard dishwashing cleaners on your dishes and plates?
Mr. Kerry: Jim, it is of the utmost necessity that we settle tonight for once and for all the truth about that. Unike Mr. Bush, who probably has never even seen a kitchen, I served in the Navy and had first hand knowledge of all kinds of dishwashing soap. Why, I was scrubbing dishes on my swift boat the day I won one of my purple hearts when we were attacked. What I'm trying to say is that no member of the Kerry family uses substandard product. But really, in this election, what we need is truth and my understanding is that the White House uses store brand cleaners. But will the White House respond to this charge? Much like Mr. Bush's military record, "missing in action" is all we will hear.
Mr. Lehrer: Your response, Mr. Bush.
Mr. Bush: All I am willing to say is I served honorably and so does the White House kitchen staff, provided by our friends at Haliburton. We don't need to talk about what went on 30 years ago, or even 30 days ago. Those aren't what this election is about. It's about whether you would feel better if I did your dishes in a good, non-terrorist way, or whether you want to invite terrorists and bugs to dinner by electing my opponent.
Mr. Lehrer: Well, gentlemen, that brings us to your summations. Mr. Kerry, you will go first.
Mr. Kerry: This evening we have learned many things, but the one thing we have not learned from Mr. Bush is the truth. On all these issues he is afraid to tell you what his administration will do in the next 4 years or why he mislead all of us into this war when Osama Bin Laden was our primary concern. Are we to believe as Americans that Mr. Bush really has made us safer with Bin Laden and others are able to perpetrate attack after attack on Western countries like Spain and Russia, when Iraq is worse off now then when Baghdad fell in 2003?
Mr. Bush is wrong for America and wrong for the world. He bullies countries and then tells us that's American and patriotic. He strives to clean his dishes with Haliburton provided gloves and attacks my wife because she's associated with condiments. Remember on election day that you can make a difference by electing someone who has served his country all of the days of his military service and will continue to serve you every single day as President.
Mr. Lehrer: Mr. Bush.
Mr. Bush: The American people know that no one has worked harder against terrorism these last 4 years than me. I know that I don't speak so well as my opponent and I certainly don't have a wife with 475 billion dollars but I have a faith in you that makes me the man I am. Much of what you've heard tonight has been about things that aren't important like french fries or whether Mr. Kerry wears women's clothing in private, but that isn't what elections are about.
What elections are about is what you believe in as Americans. Do you have the kind of faith in God and me that I am the man to lead you the next four years as we continue to make our world safe? Do you have the strength to reject the hurtful attacks of others and vote for someone who might have made mistakes, oh, smoked a little of this and that, drank a little or this and that, maybe wrecked a few cars or something, but loves God and America with all his heart? 'Cause if you do, I'm your man!
Mr. Lehrer: Thank you candidates, that concludes the debate.